You know every time I lend an ear to someone who is going through a rough time, I tell them to look at the positive side of the situation. As a mother of six I have had several of my friends come to me for help when their child is sick, or when their having contractions or when they even think they might be pregnant they ask me, before they even consult their doctors lol. I have also chatted about sexual problems, cheating boyfriends, drugs and alcohol. For some reason people come to me for advice. And yes it is mostly with my online friends, but my real life friends and family have as well. I always say to look at the positive side of everything.

Let me start from the beginning. I was very negative about everything in my life and I didn’t even realize it. My music was negative, yet I still appreciate the beauty and art to Nine Inch Nails and Marilyn Manson today. My writings were negative. I have spirals and spirals of poems and journals that I will one day publish, they are filled with horrible teenage nonsence but it makes complete sense. My fashion was negative. I wore all black, dark lipstick, revealing clothes. My sexuality was negative. I was in bad relationships, every single one of my exes was an alcoholic or a meth head. Yeah one extreme to the other. I drank a lot, I would fight with my family and my friends. I wanted to hurt people, myself and hated life all together. As I grew older, I had children and my heart began to soften, I settled down with a great guy who was not addicted to substances and started a family. At first it was difficult, I was having to raise another mothers son and I was not too happy about that. My husband worked out of town and I some how managed to still get pregnant 3 times.

On June 20, 2012, my third year anniversary, I finally flipped my shit. I was on a birth control called Seasonique (which I do not reccomend because of the high levels of hormones it has in it), I was also taking xanax and prozac, and I was drinking a whole lot and I finally just lost my mind, like seriously. After laying in bed for days crying and crying and fighting with my husband and the kids I finally got out of bed and I grabbed my bottle of Xanax and swallowed what was left in the bottle, which was around 30 two milligram pills. I drank every drop of alcohol in the house and began cutting my wrists. At the time I had a 3 year old and a 6 month old at home and my older girls were with my family. I called my husband and told him what I did. Within seconds my dad and his dad were there. They took my kids away and tried to settle me down. My husband showed up and I started fighting with him. I was seeing demons around everyone. I saw black clouds that floated all around me and my family. My dad took me to his place and I kind of don’t remember too much after that. I woke up at 4 a.m. and had my dad take me home. I laid down in bed with my husband, feeling completely ashamed of myself for ruining our anniversary and for being a total fucking bitch!

I am lucky to be alive. I didn’t go to the hospital, apparently I have a damn good tolerance or it just wasn’t my time to go. But from that day I began a new path and it all started with looking at the positive side of things. I didn’t want to be unhappy anymore. I wanted to live life without regrets and without the boulder that had been on my shoulders since I could remember. 

It wasn’t like I woke up and was a whole new person the next day, it took time and it took meditation. Before when I would see posters that said, “Be Positive” I rolled my eyes, but now I wanted to learn how to do this. To see the brighter side of a bad situation. It has been a little over a year now and I am finally getting it lol.

My first step to doing this was looking for a higher power and since I was pretty much a Catholic gone Atheist at the time I knew there was something else out there that was more powerful than me yet not an imaginary character up in the sky. And I found her, I realized when I was outside standing barefoot in the grass that the earth was my creator. She was the one who created light out of darkness, who placed life on her thriving surface, soon evolving into the human beings we are today. I realized that I am lucky to be alive. That my eyes get to see this beauty, my ears can hear rivers flow and birds chirp, my nose can smell fresh roses and a freshly cut lawn. I realized there was a reason for me to be here, as I looked down at my children’s faces, so innocent and unknowing of what their life has in store for them. I realized that I am one with god because my legs are like roots planted into her soil. 

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Now that I knew where I belonged I began to see the light. I would meditate nightly with my favorite song Everloving by Moby playing on my MP3 player on repeat. I would burn some sage, light a white candle and sit in the mediation position for an hour or so. I focused on building a bubble around me. A ball of white positive energy that would not allow any negativity in. At the time my husband worked out of town and I had time to meditate late at night while the kids slept. I focused on this force field for a month or so before I began to see that I had control over it. If a negative situation came up, I could block that negativity from affecting me. If someone was in a bad mood, I would no longer feel their depression through their eyes. I learned that negativity is like a snowball. It starts out small, but the more you allow it into your life the bigger it gets, until it just falls apart. 

So I now had a creator and I could control the negativity, yet being positive was still hard, and it is still hard. But I have done much better and I have been a much happier person now.

How does one look at the positive side of having two vehicles break down, totally dead within a 4 month period? 

How does one look at the positive side of not having enough money to pay the bills?

How does one look at the positive side of losing a loved one?

How? How? How? Well its all how you look at it. Yes my vehicles are dead and I am home with six kids alone while my husband is working his ass off 2 hours away. But at least I am not the one who is dead, just my vehicles. I will have to walk to the store a few times. I will have to ask for rides from others, but why should I let this get me down? Yeah it is an inconvenience but it could be worse. 

I have had my electric, water, cable, phone all disconnected, yet never all at once. I have had to go a few hours without electricity while I figure out a way to pay the bill. Yes, it sucks with kids who want to watch t.v. and no air conditioner, but I get it paid and turned right back on. Because I don’t dwell on how I am going to get through this, I just get through it. And it could be worse. I could be homeless without my children and family.

Since I was a kid my dad taught me not to fear death. “It’s going to happen eventually so why be scared?” he would say. It is sad that loved ones leave us, it is hard because we miss them. But they were able to live upon this earth with you. You learned from them and they learned from you, whether you had a good relationship or not. They do not die, because they are always remembered. Their bodies may perish back into the earth yet their souls stay with us forever. 

So I sit here, trying to figure out a way to get at least one vehicle fixed. What we are going to do about Christmas? Adding up numbers to see how much we owe and how much money we won’t have left. Yet I have this feeling inside me like everything will be okay. It may not be today or tomorrow but it will all work out. I do not want to worry myself sick with negative thoughts, they will only allow more negative things to happen, causing the snowball to grow. If you think positive, it opens up a path that leads to more positivity. Don’t let the little things in life get you down, don’t dwell on the ‘What if’s?’ in life. No one knows what tomorrow will be like. No one knows the outcome to any situation. So just sit back and relax and enjoy that your alive, your heart is beating and that some day it will be your turn to return to the earth and some one else will be born to take your place.  

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